October 31, 2006


Posted by Xun  |  2 comments

Have not updated my blog for a month, more than a month. It is so easy to just drop it, so easy to find a million excuses, just go to bed, curl up and drop dead, or half dead.

Sure, I am pregnant. But my life is never interesting anyway. It is because, I figure out, that I am never interesting. Born boring and bored. Born banal, blank, empty-headed. Isn't that true I was plagued by boredom when I was 4, or maybe 2 or 3? A small town kid who used to sit on a little stool by the wall, bored as hell? How many times I looked around, looked out, feeling as grey as the rain?

Read someone's blog. That woman writes how she could not help but blogging away, once or twice a day. I was instantly sent to a fit of jealousy and bitterness. But then, I got excuse. She is popular, look at the pages of comments she got.

Someone like her is one in a million.

Forget it. Forget the same news that is reported in a thousand ways and repeated over many days. Forget there are people who got charm, brain and looks.

Sleep again.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
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Mary Beth said...

Maybe you are bored, but boring you are not. I do “get” that feeling of jealousy and bitterness re the competition. I also resent any attention other artists get since I am languishing in anonymity. It’s that kid thing that someone else is getting attention, but it should be me!
I also know that feeling of boredom and insignificance – perhaps it is a side effect of the tension between our hunger for drama and our fear of it.
I remember being so bored as a child that I thought the whole point of childhood was waiting for adulthood. Like a person in line waiting for their number to be called, I thought only of 18, the age when I could leave home.
Being bored had an upside. When I hit the bottom of my insignificance, I started to draw. All my best work was done as a defense against loneliness. Eventually it became a habit and now I really prefer solitude. My secret to “happiness” is to get outside one’s own subjectivity, and to pay attention to the world around us.
Babies train us to do this. We say “see the airplane?” “touch this tree!”, and “listen to the birdie,” and suddenly we, too, are tuned in to the magic of wind, moon, grass, water. When Emma gave me an excuse to get outside the house and connected again to my senses, I experienced such intense happiness, it felt like falling in love.
Babies laugh at everything they notice, to communicate to us that noticing things feels wonderful. With adult mediation, new things, familiar things, everything that is named, becomes knowable and makes the learner feel like a god. It’s cold, so we name it and experience coldness. It’s dark, and saying “dark” in a spooky voice, we experience darkness. It’s a powerful feeling. When we neglect this with babies, they get depressed. When adults get depressed, they behave just like sick or helpless children who are listless and indifferent to their environment.
At 3 years old, Emma’s attention to detail has reached an intense peak. In this “OCD” stage, everything has a place, a sequence, and a category, and the tiniest speck, out of place or unexpected, must be explained. I love to watch the power of language as it moves beyond this stage of immediate reality to constructed reality. I was blown away by the ability of Emma to not only use separate languages to communicate with each of us in the same situation, but then to actually translate between us. At this point in Emma’s development it is clear that she can skip her senses and learn through second-hand information. She has moved from the concrete stage of language where words are in one-to-one correspondence with sensory information, to the stage of contingent language where words can be made up as you go along.
So, all these thoughts were inspired by your complaint that you are bored. Right now you are watching your “self” framed in a world that ignores you. Turn your eyes outward to the world itself, and witness the magic of human development, the changing culture, the weird puzzle of politics. Enjoy the insight of your mind toward a world that needs explaining to Emma, me and others. I love the company of your blog. More drawings! More pics!

Xun said...

Thank you for such a long and loving and thoughtful comments. Everyone should be as lucky as Emma, for in your eyes, there is no flaw in any child. They are always the perfect sunshine even when they are screaming and crying like hell.

Yeah, I will try to be more positive and be alive. But bordom to me, a person who is much isolated and detached from the world, like a disease, like depression, hard to shake off?

Still I will try. Try to be good. Hate the thought that one day Emma will look down on me, thinking I am a lazy boring mom.

Thank you. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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