October 31, 2006

Have not updated my blog for a month, more than a month. It is so easy to just drop it, so easy to find a million excuses, just go to bed, curl up and drop dead, or half dead.

Sure, I am pregnant. But my life is never interesting anyway. It is because, I figure out, that I am never interesting. Born boring and bored. Born banal, blank, empty-headed. Isn't that true I was plagued by boredom when I was 4, or maybe 2 or 3? A small town kid who used to sit on a little stool by the wall, bored as hell? How many times I looked around, looked out, feeling as grey as the rain?

Read someone's blog. That woman writes how she could not help but blogging away, once or twice a day. I was instantly sent to a fit of jealousy and bitterness. But then, I got excuse. She is popular, look at the pages of comments she got.

Someone like her is one in a million.

Forget it. Forget the same news that is reported in a thousand ways and repeated over many days. Forget there are people who got charm, brain and looks.

Sleep again.

Bored

Posted by Xun  |  2 comments

Have not updated my blog for a month, more than a month. It is so easy to just drop it, so easy to find a million excuses, just go to bed, curl up and drop dead, or half dead.

Sure, I am pregnant. But my life is never interesting anyway. It is because, I figure out, that I am never interesting. Born boring and bored. Born banal, blank, empty-headed. Isn't that true I was plagued by boredom when I was 4, or maybe 2 or 3? A small town kid who used to sit on a little stool by the wall, bored as hell? How many times I looked around, looked out, feeling as grey as the rain?

Read someone's blog. That woman writes how she could not help but blogging away, once or twice a day. I was instantly sent to a fit of jealousy and bitterness. But then, I got excuse. She is popular, look at the pages of comments she got.

Someone like her is one in a million.

Forget it. Forget the same news that is reported in a thousand ways and repeated over many days. Forget there are people who got charm, brain and looks.

Sleep again.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Read more

2 comments:

October 16, 2006


Birthday Girl

Posted by Xun  |  1 comment


Monday, October 16, 2006
Read more

1 comments:

October 15, 2006




Apples, pumpkins and Moo-choo train

Posted by Xun  |  No comments




Sunday, October 15, 2006
Read more

0 comments:

October 03, 2006


I am pregnant and I am not feeling well, nauseated and tired all day. I stopped writing for my blog. I sleep whenever I can. I ignore that there is a mountain of laundry to be folded (Leo took them to laundry), dinner unprepared, dishes unwashed. I left everything for Leo to take care. I signed up for Emma for a dance class, however, I give up taking her to the class at all.

I am moody, gloomy all day and all night. I sometimes pick up fight with Leo, but mostly, I am too tired to talk. Sometimes, I look at my reflection on the sidewalk windows, my brows are deeply knotted into frowns.

However unlike sick people who tend to lost appetite, I eat more, even every food tastes bland or even bitter, as awful as never before. Worse, I think of food all the time, especially the foods I savored in my childhood, extra spicy and tasty and with three children fighting for every bite. How I am homesick.

I wonder what is the little devil that is rooted in my belly? I read those articles such as "pregnancy week by week", which is meager in description, overflowing in spirit, searching for the secret of the little creature that is growing and claiming more and more of my comfort zone, I could not find much info.

Gosh. Am I miserable.

I admire people with boundless energy and boundless commitments, and better, with boundless success. I marvel at those would-be moms who walk swiftly with big bellies and radiate pride. However, all I can manage is to lump into a couch or bed, doing nothing, feeling sick and sorry for myself.

I therefore think of future and, for the first time, shiver at the thought of aging, illness and disability. There are many people who live happily and richly despite getting old, my parents among them. Actually in my observation, they are happier. Their marriage stronger, their life more comfortable, their friends many, they are at peace with their past, present, future and proud of their children. However, I am afraid I could not be. I am afraid I would be dragged down by arthritis, near blind eyes, sore arms, legs and back, or even just headache. I am afraid I would be withdrawn, lonely, sour, and bitchy like the old fat lady next door.

Why am I so miserable?

Am I miserable?

Posted by Xun  |  5 comments


I am pregnant and I am not feeling well, nauseated and tired all day. I stopped writing for my blog. I sleep whenever I can. I ignore that there is a mountain of laundry to be folded (Leo took them to laundry), dinner unprepared, dishes unwashed. I left everything for Leo to take care. I signed up for Emma for a dance class, however, I give up taking her to the class at all.

I am moody, gloomy all day and all night. I sometimes pick up fight with Leo, but mostly, I am too tired to talk. Sometimes, I look at my reflection on the sidewalk windows, my brows are deeply knotted into frowns.

However unlike sick people who tend to lost appetite, I eat more, even every food tastes bland or even bitter, as awful as never before. Worse, I think of food all the time, especially the foods I savored in my childhood, extra spicy and tasty and with three children fighting for every bite. How I am homesick.

I wonder what is the little devil that is rooted in my belly? I read those articles such as "pregnancy week by week", which is meager in description, overflowing in spirit, searching for the secret of the little creature that is growing and claiming more and more of my comfort zone, I could not find much info.

Gosh. Am I miserable.

I admire people with boundless energy and boundless commitments, and better, with boundless success. I marvel at those would-be moms who walk swiftly with big bellies and radiate pride. However, all I can manage is to lump into a couch or bed, doing nothing, feeling sick and sorry for myself.

I therefore think of future and, for the first time, shiver at the thought of aging, illness and disability. There are many people who live happily and richly despite getting old, my parents among them. Actually in my observation, they are happier. Their marriage stronger, their life more comfortable, their friends many, they are at peace with their past, present, future and proud of their children. However, I am afraid I could not be. I am afraid I would be dragged down by arthritis, near blind eyes, sore arms, legs and back, or even just headache. I am afraid I would be withdrawn, lonely, sour, and bitchy like the old fat lady next door.

Why am I so miserable?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Read more

5 comments:

back to top